What Motivates You

1 – So about a month ago I got word that my job status would change in some way, though management didn’t know exactly how. They had just laid three people off and while they wanted to keep me around, my price tag left me vulnerable. Early word was that I’d go from salary to hourly and possibly work from home.

I’m not stupid. I’ve known since I started that, despite having unique ability within my company and in the area, I was always going to be in danger if times got bad.

So when word came down I wasn’t totally blindsided and to be honest wasn’t even that worried. Finding a new job wouldn’t take long and I was more than willing to relocate. I like Eau Claire a lot but all my friends are either an hour west or an hour and a half east. Everyone I know here is either married or may as well be. Being the only single dude in your group sort of sucks.

So anyway, that was a month ago. Since then I’ve actually never been busier or had more things to accomplish at SP. I’ve remained on a full time basis and Sales just sold a Flex app that’s going to take a minimum of 50 hours to complete.

I’m content.

2 – I’m having some difficulty coming up with a worse purchase than jewelry. It sort of hit me last night when I caught a Kay Jewelers commercial. You had your typical beautiful couple and the guy caught his wife or girlfriend by surprise with this massive rock. She of course teared up as if she couldn’t be happier. Then the pricetag shows up and it hits me: could there possibly be a more irresponsible buy? Not even now in this economic climate, but ever?

If I’m dropping a grand on something it had better come in 1080p or go towards paying off a mortgage or car payment. Because when you sit back and think about it, what the hell do diamond earrings do for you? Is it really that big a thing with women that they can show off their jewelry to their girlfriends?

I know if won’t happen, but my hope is that the girl I settle down with is the type that if I ever splurged and brought home something like that she’d kick me out for blowing a tuition payment for junior.

3 – What motivates you? The subject has been on my mind a lot in the last month, particularly in the last two weeks. Obviously, different things motivate different people.

Some people want to be an authority. They want to be decision makers and have control over others.

Others want to be apart of something and don’t want to be on the outside looking in. They like being in a group or having affiliation.

For others it’s recognition. They like getting praised or being recognized as the best at something.

Maybe you just like getting shit done or you enjoy bettering yourself. Make lists, write down goals, cross them off.

I’m not sure which one is me but I know which ones don’t fit. I don’t need to be a decision maker. I really have no desire to manage others and I don’t need to be in control of anything. I’ve also never craved recognition. More often than not I’m embarrassed if I’m singled out for anything positive. If anything groups and organizations bother me. If I’m not involved with others I’m not gonna worry about it.

I’d say if there was one up there that does fit it’s getting things done and seeing the results. If something isn’t done I’m not comfortable until I’ve put in the effort to complete it. At work it might be learning a new coding technique or building an app. At home it’s probably something as simple as doing the dishes or putting away the laundry. It could just be that there’s a problem and it needs solving or fixing. I don’t really have a choice. Things in my life need to get done or I don’t sleep at night.

But what happens when there’s nothing else on that list of things to do? What happens when I’m finished with my projects for work, the bills are paid and the house is clean? What gets me off my ass when there’s nothing left on that list? What happens when there’s nothing left to make me proactive? For almost two years I’ve been searching for an answer to these questions.

It only recently occurred to me that I might have found an answer: revenge.

George Herbert, a poet in the 1600s, coined the phrase “Living Well is the Best Revenge”. Words to live by as far as I’m concerned. If you feel like you’ve been wronged or disrespected or fucked over or dissed (and I recently have), make yourself better. Much better.

That element had been missing in my life and since it’s always been a massive motivator for me little has really changed for almost two years running. But all it took was a couple instances where I’ve felt dissed to light a fire under my ass and now my goal is to simply make myself better. Physically, socially, mentally. Better job, better relationship, better place in life. Basically the one thing that pushes me lately is the notion that one day the people that did this will think, “I made a massive fucking mistake”.

3b – So it occurs to me that doing anything out of something so petty may not appear to be the most dignified or…fuck I don’t even know the word.


A month or two ago Michael Jordan was inducted in the Basketball Hall of Fame. He went in with a class that included guys like Jerry Sloan and John Stockton. I think David Robinson went in as well.

So we’re talking about a class that included some of the best basketball players and coaching minds of my generation.

However, a day after and a week after the induction ceremony only one thing was talked about: how awful Jordan came off during his speech.

Jordan has always been known to be a competitive son of a bitch. It wasn’t one thing to beat you. He wanted to humiliate, embarrass and crush you until there was nothing left but a quivering pile of shit left in his wake. It didn’t end on the basketball court either. Golf, gambling, checkers…everything.

What drove him was personal spite and the desire to beat you. If you told him he couldn’t do something or if he felt disrespected in some way (real or manufactured in his head) he didn’t rest until you were proven wrong.

One of the biggest examples of Jordan’s desire to say, “I told you so” came during his induction speech. In the middle of pointing how great he was and not thanking more than one or two people (as opposed to Stockton and Robinson who couldn’t thank enough people and appeared as gracious as two people could) Jordan took a moment to single out his high school coach (the man who cut him as a freshman) and say, with a point of the finger, “You made a mistake, dude”.

This could have been glossed over had Jordan not personally arranged for this man to sit in the audience for the induction ceremony.

Get that? Michael Jordan – multiple MVP, gold medalist, six-time NBA Champion, six time Finals MVP, NCAA champion – harbored enough of a grudge so on the night when he was inducted into the Basketball Hall of Fame he made a point to personally shove his success in the face of a high school coach who thought he wasn’t good enough almost thirty years ago.

When i saw Jordan’s acceptance speech I was horrified, uncomfortable and embarrassed. How could the world’s most famous athlete have such little tact? How could he be so small?

Then the stories came out. I’d read Sam Smith’s The Jordan Rules a decade ago so I knew what young Jordan was like. But I’d figured success and age had changed him. It didn’t happen. The media was quick to come and say that the public shouldn’t be surprised by the events that night. It’s who Jordan was. Personal slights (real or imaginary) were what drove MJ. He was always the guy who wouldn’t rest until he could give a massive “FUCK YOU” to the people he felt screwed him over and it wasn’t a surprise to see him use the national stage to do so one more time.

3c – So how does that fit in with what I’m talking about? Maybe not much, if anything at all. But I think if you realize what motivates you, take the reigns and go. For Jordan, it was to shove it in the faces of those who said or felt he couldn’t do something. For others it’s to make someone else happy or get their approval. Some people are legitimately altruistic and feel that it’s their duty to give back or help out and that’s what drives them. Others just need to belong.

3d – I don’t need or want anyone’s approval, I’m more or less apathetic to the plight of others (though I do feel strongly about certain causes) and, with respect to John Donne, I think every man is an island.

So yea, I have what motivates me and I won’t apologize for it. What’s good for MJ is good enough for me.

4 – So Chicago is four hours away and I’ve never been there save a trip to the museum when I was like ten years old. I’m going there for New Years and we need help. If you’re familiar with the town, shoot me an email or look me up on FB. I need some help.

5 – OGTs

See #3 🙂

6 – The West Wing is something I’ve mentioned on here before, but I have to say again how awesome it is.

Tonight I got home from work, went back into town to work out for an hour, got home and watched the Badgers and decided to turn in around 11:00. Typical night. I got in bed, fired up a West Wing DVD from Season 1 and here I am, at 1:30 in the morning and I’m wide awake. I blame Aaron Sorkin.

The West Wing was supposed to be white noise, something to distract me while I fell asleep. But it kept me so captivated that I woke up. I wasn’t tired anymore. My synapses were firing and I needed to write. The stupid thing is the episode I turned on was from season one. I’d seen it at least ten times. But the writing is so good and the subjects were so thought provoking that I couldn’t help but pay attention. GDP and the effects on inflation, amendments to bills, child labor laws, appointments in the cabinets, security threats from white supremacists…all in one episode. I couldn’t turn away.

So now it’s almost two hours later, I’ve been cranking away at this blog since and it’s mostly because it’s the only way to clear my head.

7 – I called the folks this afternoon to let them know when I’ll be home this week. Last year was the first time I’d made anything for Thanksgiving. I brought a broccoli casserole and the dish was gone inside of 15 minutes. People were going back for seconds. Nothing but compliments. It’s one of the reasons why I’ve been so into cooking ever since.

This year I’m totally clueless. I have absolutely no idea what to make and I’m searching for ideas. Everything on the table is traditional and classic and that isn’t what I’m good at. If anyone has a family recipe that could help me out, drop me a line. Thanksgiving is a day away and I’m a little desperate.

8 – Since I feel like I’m heading down the home stretch of this blog I started a new episode of the West Wing. Toby is being Toby, the pissed off intellectual who loves nothing more than a fight. I youtubed for a scene and the first few that came up were actually from the episode I was watching. He’s great.

But instead I’ll go with one from the pilot episode of the West Wing, and it ranks up there with the best TV scenes I’ve ever come across. Josh made a gaffe on national TV when he insulted the religious right. Consequently Toby made a meeting with heads of the religious right so CJ and Josh could apologize. Things didn’t go as planned and President Bartlett makes a memorable opening.

9 – 2:00 am and I’m out. ‘Til next time.

The F-word as the best form of therapy

1 – Since I’ve lived in the northern half of the state, namely Eau Claire and Menomonie, the Bucks have been blacked out because the NBA denotes the Wolves as the local team. It’s ridiculous. It’s not as if the Bucks are in the same league of popularity of Packers or Brewers up here, but there’s more Bucks fans than Wolves fans.

So every year I’d write the NBA and the Bucks and Charter and DirecTV and every year I’d get no where. Back in September, like I had in the past, I wrote my letters and emails and made the phone calls to the companies that made the decisions on the matter.

This week I got good news.

The Wolves granted the Bucks permission to broadcast games in Eau Claire. All that needed to happen was for DirecTV and other cable providers to carry them. It seemed like no big deal. DirecTV carries FSN-Wisconsin and if you buy the sports pack you get that channel.

As it happens to be, here was the press release I saw this afternoon:


The Milwaukee Bucks and FOX Sports Wisconsin are pleased to announce television coverage of Milwaukee Bucks games in the Eau Claire, Wisconsin television market for the 2009-10 NBA Season. FOX Sports Wisconsin coverage of Bucks games may be found on the following channels in the Eau Claire area: Charter Communications (digital only) – Channel 91; DirecTV – Channel 669; and DISH Network – currently no dedicated channel but typically between 444 and 450. Eau Claire area customers of other cable or satellite services should contact their providers for further details.

Fox Sports Wisconsin’s Bucks programming includes 70 home or road games telecast, all including the 2009 Emmy award winning Bucks Live pre- and post-game programming. Thirty-five games are telecast in high definition (HD), ten more than last season.

The complete 2009-10 Milwaukee Bucks FOX Sports Wisconsin telecast schedule may be found on Bucks.com. http://www/bucks/schedule/index.html.

I’m a little proud. It’s about five years late but it makes me feel like the phone calls to the Bucks PR department, the email correspondence with Bucks beat writers, the pissing and moaning I did with DirecTV wasn’t for nothing. Speaking of which…

2 – I should feel different, having worked technical phone support for a software company for a few weeks when I was done with school. But when your issue is with a company like DirecTV, I don’t care. If I’m gonna be dicked around I’ll feel free to blow up on the poor sap on the other line.

The Bucks had a game on FSN earlier in the week. I’d heard that the Bucks would finally be broadcasting up here so when I got the game I didn’t think much of it until I got a call from someone in EC saying they weren’t getting the game. I checked my DirecTV lineup and to my amazement I’d been charged $140 for NBA League Pass. I didn’t want it but because I’d puchased it last season they re-upped without alerting me. No phone call, no email, no notice in the mail.

I got right on the phone and demanded my money be refunded and League Pass be removed from my account. The Bucks were now broadcast in EC. What the hell use for LP would I have.

Even though the season just started and the free preview ended last week, some dick on the phone said that there was nothing that could be done. The deadline to cancel had been a couple days prior. So I flew off the handle and it’s a good thing I was outside. I was yelling into the phone and there wasn’t a four letter word I didn’t drop. My last words before hanging up were, “This is fucking bullshit and I’m calling the better business bureau motherfucker!”

If he were anything like me when I used to work phones he probably laughed when I hung up. I vented, yelled a lot, called him a name or two but what does he care?


15 minutes later I was still pissed to the point where I didn’t care to have DirecTV anymore. I called back and told the first person I got on the phone that because I was being charged for some shit I didn’t order I no longer wanted DTV service and I wanted it canceled.

Ten seconds later I was on the phone with a different woman. “Oh, I see you were charged for LP and you didn’t want it? Let me just get that off your account and get you a credit. Really sorry about that!”

Funny what happens when you threaten to take money out of their pockets.

3 – Speaking of the Bucks, our Young Buck has 17 points in the first quarter. This could be another big night for the twenty year old.

4 – The reason why I would have had no problem canceling our satellite TV service is for one reason: NinjaVideo.net

For over a year it the was best kept secret on the net. Every TV show and new release out there, updated daily, all in high quality Divx format. You could watch DVD quality rips of movies on your PC before they were even out in rental. Miss your favorite TV show? Check Ninjavideo. Can’t find season 2 of 24 or the complete series of Firefly in your local rental store? Go to Ninjavideo.

But then PC World named it as one of it’s top 100 products of 2009 and the site has rightfully blown up.

Their library is stupid-awesome and easy to access. You open up the applet, enter a code to prevent bots and restrict access, and in 60 seconds you’re watching whatever you want in DVD quality.

The best part? The Divx codec they use. If you right-click on your Divx player you’re able to change preferences for the player. One of the preferences is where the video is cached on your hard drive. Typically it’s at a setting of 556 megabytes and the file is automatically deleted when you want to watch something else. But if you want to start a library of content it’s incredibly easy. Create a new folder somewhere, set your player to save the video files in this location and change the cache size to something huge, like 40GB. When you click to start a new video in Ninjavideo’s player, the download starts. Click pause on the playback and forget about it. 10 minutes later the movie is on your hard drive. Change the extension to AVI and you’re free to do with it what you wish.

With TV episodes I like to convert them to m4v and watch them on my iPhone while I workout.

With movies I like to stream them to my TV in the living room using my network and a PS3.

With a computer, a high speed network and a Xbox 360 or PS3 you can have yourself your own little DVR setup without ever needing cable or satellite TV. Watch TV and movies on your time, no commercials. The only monthly payment is to your ISP.

If I wasn’t such a huge sports fan I’d be all over it :/

5 – The rest of the weekend should be dope. I took the day off to make the place spotless and do some needed work. Tonight I’m going out, tomorrow it’s golfing, place to myself.

I love it.

6 – Family recipe for the dinner I made tonight:

Classic Beef Stroganoff
1/2 to 3/4 lb beef sirloin or round steak about 1/2 inch thick
2 tbsp butter or margarine
1/4 lb mushrooms, sliced
1 small onion, finely chopped
1/2 cup water
1 beef bouillon cube
1 tbsp catsup
1 small clove garlic, finely chopped or 1/8 tsp instant minced garlic
1/2 teaspoon salt
Poppy Seed Noodles
1/4 cup water
1 tbsp flour
1/2 cup dairy sour cream

Cut meat into strips, 1.5 x .5 inch. Melt butter in 8 inch skillet; cook and stir mushrooms and onion until onion is tender. Remove vegetables from skillet.

In same skillet, brown meet over medium heat. Stir in half cup of water, bouillon cube, catsup, garlic and salt. Reduce heat; cover and simmer 15 minutes (45 minutes if using round steak; if necessary, add small amount of water). While meat simmers, prepare noodles.

Mix 1/4 cup water and the flour; stir into meat mixture. Add mushrooms and onion. Heat to boiling, stirring constantly. Boil and stir 1 minute. Stir in sour cream and heat through. Serve on noodles.

7 – This week Brandon Jennings was on the cover of ESPN.com for a feature story, was mentioned on Pardon the Interuption and Around the Horn, interviewed nationally on the Jim Rome Show and again on the Scott Van Pelt Show.

This is a Milwaukee Buck we’re talking about here.

I feel like I’m in the Twilight Zone.

7b – At the half, 20 points on 8-10 shooting, 4 assists, no turnovers. The Bucks are missing three of their four best players and are still leading the healthy Bobcats by 10.

8 – OGTs

Update on Sunday. She looked cute as hell today.

9 – Cutting this one a little short. Maybe more when I get home. Hopefully not.

Yea, only six things tonight

Gonna try and make this reasonably quick hit.

1 – I need to watch more Henry Fonda flicks. He’s like Cary Grant if Cary Grant wasn’t constantly acting like he was trying to fuck the starlet on the set.

12 Angry Men was on earlier this evening and having never seen it I gave it a shot. I knew the reputation. If you go to IMDB you’ll see that users rank it as the 8th best film of all time.

I won’t go that far, but it was awesome. It consistently reminded me of Glengarry Glen Ross, for obvious reasons. Both were based upon plays, both predominantly took place in one room. Both were driven by dialog and emotion from strong male leads.

It was only the second Henry Fonda vehicle I’d seen. The first was Mister Roberts, a favorite of mine I used to watch with my late Grandpa King. I’m gonna make an effort to check out the rest of his works.

2 – My philosophy on the NBA is if you want to compete you need stars. No shit, right? The problem is the NBA, unlike every other sport, is predictable. In August, two months before the season starts, you can pick out the five teams with a chance to contend. Everyone else is tugging it.

It’s the same with the draft 90% of the time. If you get a top pick in the draft it’s fairly easy to predict future success. When you draft a Yao Ming, Tim Duncan, LeBron James, Carmelo Anthony, Dwight Howard, etc. it’s easy to see 50 win seasons and conference championships in the near future.

But what happens when you’re one of the five or so teams that doesn’t have a top talent but isn’t bad enough to draft at the top of round one? Basically, you’re fucked. You’re going to acquire mediocre talent in the draft and continue to win half your games. Never good enough to contend, never bad enough to land one of those high picks in the draft.

Sooo…this year appears to have seen an exception. More amazingly, my Bucks are the benefactors.

The Bucks were in NBA purgatory last year. Not awful, not good. Because of that they got the 10th pick in last June’s draft. Usually this is where teams pick bench players to round out the roster. Maybe they get lucky and get a solid starter.

The Bucks, however, got a 20 year old stud named Brandon Jennings. Nine teams passed on this 20 year old point guard that’s currently averaging 20 points, 5 boards and 5 assists. Did I mention how young he is?

2b – The previous few paragraphs were written on Friday night. The next night Brandon Jennings went out and scored 55 points, dropped five dimes and pulled down five boards in a win against the Warriors.

Then the internet blew up.

Brandon Jennings was the top trending topic on Twitter. He was on the front page of every sports site in the US. People were claiming, only a couple weeks into the season, that the Rookie of the Year award was locked up. Not only were people talking All Star (unheard of in a rookie year), but Most Valuable Player.

You know how there are moments in your life you won’t ever forget? You remember everything about them? I will never forget how on a Saturday night in the Cities I was sitting on a couch at a party, looking at the box score in my iPhone, seeing Brandon Jennings with 55 points and doing a triple take.

By the way, that 25/5/5 he’s currently carrying? Only two players averaged at least that last season: Dwayne Wade and LeBron James.

3 – Speaking of Saturday night, it was great. I don’t make it over to the Cities but once or twice a year and I almost always have a good time. Going downtown is usually a blast and it makes the bars I’m used to seem like steaming piles of shit. It’s nice to go out and not run into loads of annoying 20 and 21 year olds.

Met Neder for the first time despite having talked with her for almost two years now. Saw ‘Liza for the first time in a year. Met their friends, all of them being super cool. They reminded me of the posse I had in Wausau when we were at our best. If nothing else it illustrated what’s missing here in EC. I’ve met a lot of great people in the last two years, but it’s different.

Best part of the night were the guys I drank with. Awesome, awesome cats. Talked sports, funny, really good dudes. I personally blame them for my memory getting foggy at the end of the night. They started buying shots so then I had to by a couple rounds and I woke up the next morning hoping I didn’t embarrass myself by busting out a couple of my ridiculous pickup lines on some of the lovelies I’d met.

Neder assures me I was normal, so cool.

4 – If nothing else, this weekend made me realize that life needs to be more than work. If that’s what’s keeping you where you are or keeping you from being happiest, something is wrong. I took a job in Mankato, away from family and friends, because of money. Then I turned around and took another in EC for the same reason. I don’t want to make that mistake again. Friends are more important.

5 – So today Allen Iverson was waved by the worst organization in the NBA, the Memphis Grizzlies. It’s a polarizing end to what is probably the most polarizing career in NBA history.

For 99% of NBA fans, there have always been two options: either you love Allen Iverson, or you despise him. There has never been much middle room for the little lightning bug that was largely responsible for the NBA’s ‘thug’ image. The tattoos, the cornrows, infamous “We talkin’ bout practice” press conference, the street-ball style of play…Iverson was anti-everything David Stern wanted the NBA to represent.

But, like other similarl athletes, he wound up being vehemently loved by the fans he did have. Think Randy Moss. Think pre-dogfight Michael Vick. Iverson was so ridiculously talented and cool that it was easy to see how he could win over fans. It didn’t matter if he didn’t get himself a ring or might have been a detriment, even at his best, to his team. It was hard not to admire the way he played.

Personally, I loved watching AI play. The guy was maybe 5’10”, 160. But he attacked the hoop like someone who was eight inches and 50 lbs bigger. Once he was on the court, nobody could ever accuse him of giving anything less than 100%. He took a massive beating night in and night out and he always got back up. I have nothing but respect for AI, despite his reputation. I’m going to miss watching him play.

6 – First post on the Apple laptop I picked up today. So choice. If you have the means, I highly recommend picking one up.

Music for the tortured soul

I love me a good list, so I went through my iTunes and picked out the country tunes I’d liked at one point or another. I came up with a list of 184. The vast majority were from the late 80s-early 90s. The stuff my folks played when I was younger and I grew up on. Then there’s a gap you get a handful of songs from the late 90s, stragglers that got through my wall of alt-rock. Include a band like the Dixie Chicks in this group. Then another big gap and you get to the poppish ‘country’ I started to like in the late 2000s. Ryan Adams, The Wreckers, Dustin Kensrue, Taylor Swift.

So from that list of 184 I decided I was gonna narrow it down to my top ten country tunes of all time. I made another list and went through the 184, taking any song I could conceivably see being near my Top 10. Well ho-ly-shit I wound up with 30 and they were all so awesome I decided that my top ten would be expanded by 20 tracks.

I did, however, rank ’em.

If you know anything about these tunes, you’ll probably notice a distinct theme…

1 – George Strait – I can still make Cheyanne
2 – Tracy Lawrence – Texas Tornado
3 – Keith Whitley – I’m over you
4 – Garth Brooks – The dance
5 – Little Texas – White might have been
6 – McBride & the Ride – Sacred Ground
7 – Garth Brooks – What she’s doing now
8 – Dixie Chicks – You were mine
9 – Diamond Rio – You’re gone
10 – Keith Whitley – When you say nothing at all
11 – Alan Jackson – Gone crazy
12 – Taylor Swift – Tim McGraw
13 – Tim McGraw – Don’t take the girl
14 – Trisha Yearwood – She’s in love with the boy
15 – Vince Gill – Whenever you come around
16 – Tim McGraw – It’s your love
17 – The Wreckers – Lay me down
18 – Little Texas – My love
19 – Ryan Adams – Wonderwall
20 – Sawyer Brown – All these years
21 – The Wreckers – Tennessee
22 – John Michael Montgomery – How was I to know
23 – Jow Diffie – Night to remember
24 – Vince Gill – Trying to get over you
25 – Clint Black – Still holding on
26 – Patty Loveless – You don’t even know who I am
27 – Ty Herndon – A man holding on to a woman letting go
28 – The Wreckers – The good kind
29 – Shania Twain – The woman in me
30 – Toby Keith – You shouldn’t kiss me like this

By my count, eight of the top ten are about a relationship that’s done. 20 of the thirty. It’s music for the broken-hearted, no joke.

That said, it’s so fucking good. I haven’t listened to the majority of these tunes in many years and giving this PL a listen now it’s easy to see why I loved them all in the first place.

All’s well that ends…

1) It occurred to me 10 minutes ago, when I was starting to nod off, that I could get 8 full hours of sleep for the first time in a decade. Not wanting to break that kind of streak I got up to deliver what will almost assuredly be a quick few things.

2) The Game…

An author I enjoy reading has a column on the Levels of Losing. If you’re not a sports fan, you won’t understand, nor care to read it. But it’s a solid description on what a fan goes through on any particular loss.

You can find it here.

I had to email Bill tonight, though…

*note: he’s a ridiculous Boston Celtics fan, worships Larry Bird and grew up in the Boston Garden*

“Sorry Bill.

Nothing on your list fits or compares to what I witnessed in Lambeau just a few short hours ago.

Imagine Bird giving the Garden a massive “eff you” after killing the Celts season. To quote a crappy movie, “Multiply it by infinity, take it to the depths of forever, and you will still have barely a glimpse of what I’m talking about.”

I would ask for a new level but words really don’t do this kind of loss justice.”

It’s true. Today killed my spirit, my soul, my emotion…I feel like I’m living in limbo, just hovering above and outside of everything else that is going on. I can’t feel anything and nothing seems real.

This one loss accomplished all that.

3) To rid today’s events from my mind I’ve decided to drink as much gin as possible. I’m well on my way.