I’m copying Simmons; I don’t feel good about that

Hey, haven’t blogged in forever, how about my first ever retro-diary!

The inaugural event? A little indie flick called The Good Guy. NOT to be confused with The Good Girl, a movie only worth watching if you care for a little Aniston side-boob and Jake Gyllenhaal killing himself. Seriously, IT’S THAT GOOD.

Alright, no more time to waste, LET’S ROLL!

1:20 – Ohhhh the daughter from Calico Gals in a tank and she’s with a shirtless dude. WHAT A HARLOT.

1:40 – Ok, so Mr. Friday Night Lights fucked up in some way. Asks, “Is it him?”. CG gives him a look of pity, says she feels sorry for him, sends his drenched ass on his way. Less than two minutes in and we know this guy is douche and he screwed things up with CG’s character. Whoever wrote this hopeful masterpiece needs to bone up on building suspense. YOU RUINED THE ENDING DOUCHEY McDIRECTERSON.

2:47 – MY GIRL IS IN THIS OMGLOLWTF!!11!

3:03 – Six weeks? This thing went to shit in a relative hurry.

3:53 – Apparently Andrew McCarthy is the only member of the Brat Pack to age well. Good for you, dude.

3:54 – Wow, what an asshole.

4:15 – Oh hai guy from One Tree Hill. If you’re anything like your role on that show, I’m guessing you’re gonna be the quiet, sensitive outsider that the main girl falls in love with when she realizes what she REALLY wants in a man.

Oh. Wait. You were in the top three listed cast members? YOU’RE THE SHIRTLESS GUY WITH CALICO GAL!

5:41 – Book club. No uggos.

Hollywood is sooooooooo fucking fake.

6:40 – Two months? HE’S WILLING TO WAIT!!!!! Maybe he’s not a complete douche-bag.

9:30 – Urban conservationist…so she’s intelligent, socially conscious, mindful of history and doesn’t care if she lives poor as fuck. Of course she’d be with a douchey Wall Street day-trader.

12:10 – He’s good (further evidence that he’s a douche), and that scene was totally lifted from Boiler Room. This is really supposed to take place in 2009?

14:21 – This motherfucker is real good.

15:53 – Calico Gal slappin’ on a rubber. In the light? Who the hell is doing any of this in the goddamn light? And sober for that matter.

Seriously, next time I want to get laid I’m taking a girl to Shanghai Bistro. LOOK HONEY IT’S JUST LIKE KYOTO!

19:21 Awwww shit Wally Cleaver is gonna get his shot. NO WAY this will end bad for anyone.

But honestly, why wouldn’t FNL take a chance on OTH? We’re talking high stakes day-trading. Who wouldn’t risk their careers on some schmuck with a speech issue, no personality and zero history in the industry? It isn’t like he could simply throw that little ball in any direction and hit at least three people infinitely more qualified…

20:53 – They’re using the set and scene from Chasing Amy. Come on, really?

23:30 –

CG: “So why do you wanna hire him?”

GOOD QUESTION, CALICO GAL.

24:30 – Cell phone on your belt, dude? Really?

25: 31 – And what are the odds, CG shows up. FNL tells OTL to hit on his girlfriend. Of course that would happen in Osseo, Wisconsin.

Wait.

We’re in New York City? GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

26:50 – Well that was creepy as shit.

31:13 – Ruh roh. Douchey McDouchebag (the guy we ALREADY KNOW IS A DOUCHEBAG) is blowing off the girl he just nailed.

40:01 – Alright, we get it. OTH is socially awkward and FNL is a complete asshole.

42:55 – And apparently FNL is a player. I NEVER SAW THAT COMING.

45:34 – I hate my life.

47:01 – CG, in a moment of mind-boggling absurdity, approaches the creepy guy from the bookstore.

Now, let’s think back. When she met this odd fella, she had just recently gave it up to a guy who put on the perfect date. At the book store the next day was she more likely to be thinking, “My, what a cute and charming guy!” or “OOOOOHHHH I’M SOOOO IN LOVE WAIT WHO IS THIS MENTAL PATIENT STALKING ME”

Just sayin’.

48:56 – CG: “Wow. Very weird. But he likes books so let’s invite him over!”

53:00 – Wait, where the hell did everyone go?

55:00 – Alright, what the fuck. How does a guy go from wooing CG for two months, taking her on a dream date, to instantly becoming the world’s biggest inattentive asshole.

Conversely, how does she have this super duper dream date, give it up and days later is already pondering how a guy with a library card may be better for her.

Come the fuck on.

56:39 – No chick is that nuts. Especially one that hot.

57:41 – Wait, why does CG have OTH’s number? And even if it was for book club reasons, she’s calling him instead of her girlfriends.

58:23 – “Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” Wut. “So are you interested in anyone these days?” Christ. “Do I know her?” YOU’VE KNOWN HIM FOR LIKE SIX SECONDS YOU MORON.

1:00:00 = “Are you drinking?” awwww poor My Girl.

1:00:53 = Checking out another girl? This filmmaker needs a cock-punch.

1:01:50 – “Waiter? Some wine with that massive block of cheese”.

1:05:01 – Hey the hot ex who’s obviously not an ex. OTH IS CONFLICTED.

1:07:30 – The shark has officially been jumped. She’s talking about the book that this piece of shit has been based on.

Look, I don’t mind being hit with the metaphorical blunt object from time to time, but really? This is ridiculous.

“You kind of just trust the narrator out of habit. But just as you’re getting into it he just turns out to be full of shit.”

HOLY BALLS IS THAT WHAT’S GOING ON HERE?

“What’s the point of that?”

No-Fucking-Shit. Good call, CG.

1:10:03 – I run into someone in Eau Claire, WI and it’s a big coincidence. CG runs into OTH’s other woman (someone she recognizes somehow) and we’re supposed to buy it.

Right.

1:11:20 – Of course he’s out with another girl.

1:13:41 – …and of course he calls every girl in his phone (from work? really?) instead of the two sure-things.

It’s almost as if the filmmakers were trying to drive home the point that the narrator was full of shit.

Huh. I hadn’t gotten that in the previous 1:13:41.

1:17:39 – I know when I’ve got my ass beat before, my wallet is the first to go.

1:19:47 – …and then I look to pay for it.

1:21:24 – And why wouldn’t CG run off to see the awkward, possibly taken for all she knows guy she’s talked with about three times?

1:23:45 – Srsly, CG is hella easy.

1:26:06 – Wait. Is there a moral of the story here? Who are we feeling sorry for? Who came out on top? The girl who’s funding was cut? The ex-military man with $100 grand in student loans and no job? FNL still has his dream job and he’s obviously not broken up over losing CG.

This movie was awful. So the asshole was an asshole and if it weren’t for a string of impossible coincidences, abrupt and illogical changes of character and implausible decisions, he’d still be balancing four chicks. In the process of suspending your belief, imagine Calico Gal falling for an awkward social reject because he could quote lines from Pride and Prejudice. You know what kind of guy memorizes lines from that book? CHILD MOLESTERS.

There is nothing good about The Good Guy. That wasn’t even a pun, I’m just that more stupid having watched that piece of shit.

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5hfYJsQAhl0&w=560&h=349]